Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Amazon set to capture $50 Billion pizza delivery market

Seattle, WA - Amazon and Domino's Pizza have launched an app - The PizzaBot - that can deliver your favorite pizza by a drone in under 10min. To take it a step further, the PizzaBot not only uses geo-positioning satellites to identify your location, it can literally feed you the pizza.

Dwight Martz, head of drone systems at Amazon said, "the PizzaBot was born out of sheer necessity. Our engineers did not have time to get off their asses. So, they designed a drone to fetch a pizza slice and hover it around their faces. 12 months and $200 million R&D later, the PizzaBot was born." 

With another trailblazing move, Amazon is set to capture a huge slice of the $50 billion pizza delivery market.
9 to 5 News Network 

Monday, February 29, 2016

Google CEO falls victim to the Bodycount

Mountain View, CA - Google is infamous for it's extremely technical interviews, requiring job applicants months of hard preparation to get through. These interviews are always conducted by pimple-faced, fresh-out-of-college, 22 year olds who ask absurd theoretical questions that are never used in the real world. 

On a dare, Sundar Pichai, the CEO of Google, applied for a Product Manager role in the Google Chrome team. However, he was rejected at the phone screen level.  The interviewer commented that the candidate "lacked vision and drive." 

Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Google encourage employees to track the number of rejected applicants - a.k.a. Tracking the Bodycount. "Rejecting applicants, for no good reason, is the only bright-spot some days. I need to dump 5 more candidates before Friday to keep my lead," said a visibly proud Google employee.

Our anonymous source said, "Its ironic that Sundar can't get hired to manage the product he helped create. I guess he is collateral damage in the Bodycount game."  
9 to 5 News Network

Friday, February 26, 2016

Honeymooning in the Silicon Valley

San Jose, CA - Cisco Systems is one of the most sought after companies in the Silicon Valley, for its short work hours, long lunch breaks, and refreshing siestas - also known as The Cisco Honeymoon.

However, Cisco employees have to protect this lifestyle through sheer ingenuity that is unique to Silicon Valley. Anticipating massive layoffs in the coming months, engineering managers are scrambling to hire "poor performers" who could, soon after, be fired as part of a cost-cutting move.

An anonymous source says, "Its a smart move. Hiring idiots gives us an opportunity to fire them. The idiots who survive the layoff can enjoy The Cisco Honeymoon till the next layoff. I was hired 15 years ago and I still don't know what I am supposed to do."
9 to 5 News Network

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

$50 Million fund to fight Stanfordism

Palo Alto, CA - Stanfordism! Yes, Stanford bias is a real thing. A well kept silicon-valley secret is that most VCs are Stanford grads and invest in startups founded by Stanford alums. In a recent study conducted by Santa Clara university, Stanfordism has killed over 100 startups in 2015 alone. 

However, in a clear departure from tradition, Sequoia has decided to fight Stanfordism with a $50 Million Fund. General Partners decided to sacrifice a weekend trip on their luxury yachts and pool their gas money to form the fund, which will be used to fund non-Stanford startups exclusively.

An activist from Santa Clara Univ said, "VCs are rabid Stanfordists. Generations of Santa Clara students have accepted subservience to Stanford grads. $50M is pocket-change for VCs, but it is still a big step against institutional Stanfordism."

On a related note, having realized he was the only one without a yacht, Vinod Khosla has ordered a 200ft Feadship custom luxury mega yacht, estimated to be worth $62 Million. Khosla Ventures has refused to comment if they plan to join the fight against Stanfordism.
9 to 5 News Network 

Friday, February 19, 2016

Jobless man rushed to ER with rare condition

Sunnyvale, CA - Roger Marsel, 31, was rushed to the ER in a state of extreme shock today after his roommate called 911. Doctors have diagnosed Roger with an extremely rare condition known as Euphora Recruitus - a condition observed in job-seekers when they receive an unexpected call from a recruiter causing a euphoric coma -  commonly known as the "Happy Puppy Syndrome".

Dr. Goldstein, an expert at the Stanford hospital, said a similar case was observed during the dot-com bust. Unfortunately, in that case the patient couldn't survive the shock.

Roger had applied for the role of a product manager through a company's job portal, and received a call from the company within 5  hours, which triggered the episode.

Dr. Goldstein said, "He is lucky that the recruiter had merely butt-dialed her phone. A meaningful conversation could have caused severe complications. With a few weeks of all-night Netflix, Roger should be back fruitlessly applying to more jobs".
9 to 5 News Network

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Indian town changes name to honor Sundar Pichai

Tamil Nadu, India - Following the meteoric rise of Sundar Pichai, from product manager to Google CEO, the name "Sundar" has taken a life of its own. A village in rural India, has changed its name to Sundarapuram, which translates to "The Town of Sundar".

Pichai thanked the Mayor of Sundarapuram over Google hangouts. Sources say, the Mayor disconnected from the hangout after the first 30 minutes out of sheer boredom. Mr. Pichai continued for 90 more minutes till his Chromebook ran out of battery.
9 to 5 News Network

Monday, February 15, 2016

From Rants to Chants - Andreessen joins Hare Krishna

Menlo Park, CA - In a dramatic twist to his "anti-colonialism" tweet, Andreessen has decided to join the Hare Krishna movement.

In his now infamous rant that angered a billion Indians, Andreessen tweeted "Anti-colonialism has been economically catastrophic for the Indian people for decades. Why stop now?”

Sources have confirmed that Andreessen and his team have spent the last week analyzing the best strategy to appease Indians. "Hare Krishna was an optimal choice. With his bald head he is practically a Hare Krishna already."

Hare Krishna trustees are not excited with the expected spike in new enrollments. "Startup founders looking for funding are expected to join Hare Krishna to suck up to Andreessen," said a Hare Krishna devotee.
9 to 5 News Network